"The Rap Music"

Let me start by saying that I don't think having a child should change who you are as a person. Our parenting philosophy has always been that we would fit our daughter into our life & not to stop doing things we enjoyed, within reason. Yes, our life has changed & we love that. But we never wanted to be the people who were on such a schedule that they had to race home at 6pm so our daughter could take a nap. No judgement if that is what you do, I'm just keeping it real.

We bring our daughter out to eat with us on a weekly basis since she was about a month old. I believe, for that reason, she is very well-mannered at restaurants (with the exception of an occasional meltdown - in which case we LEAVE & do not subject the entire restaurant to her screaming & crying). I remember one night, we went to our favorite Mexican restaurant when babygirl was 6 months old. We had our daughter in her car seat while we waited for our table. A complete stranger came up to us & was coo-ing and complimenting us on how adorable our little girl was. She then proceeded to say "I'm surprised she's so quiet, THAT won't last"...not only did it bother us because this moron complete stranger felt the need to share her 2 cents with us on the behavior of a child she had never met before but it bothered us that she ASSumed that an activity we loved, that was working for us, was probably not going to be an option for much longer.

Let me just say, we continue to go out for a family night at least once a week. THIS is lasting. BITCH.

Anyway, since becoming a mom, I knew there were things I would have to tone down and/or stop doing completely. I'm okay with that. Some of these items include:

• Partying till the break o' dawn
• Sleeping until noon on the weekends
• Laying on the couch, watching Bravo in my pajamas all day
• Spending money on ridiculously expensive handbags that I didn't need
• Listening to hardcore rap music
• Not cleaning poop off another human being's butt cheeks

Out of all of this, one thing I've had a hard time accepting is that I won't be able to listen to "the rap music". That is what my father & Katie refer to Hip-hop as. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan of degrading women and disgusting references to sexual acts but I love me some rap music.

I would say my love affair with rap & the Hip-hop genre began when I was a sophomore in high school. I loved Jay-Z, Tupac, Lauryn Hill, Biggie, almost any rap I could get my hands on. I love the beats, the rhythm, the creative wording, the "flow" & rhyming. I just loved all of it. Eventually, my taste in "the rap music" grew increasingly hard-core (naturally) and I was listening to some pretty disgusting songs. Disgusting in the way they spoke about sexual acts, used really harsh language and called women all kinds of names. But I think I just liked the beats. Looking back, I would never want my child to listen to some of the disgusting crap I listened to. What comes to mind is one of my & my girlfriends favorite songs at the time, "Ass & Titties" by Three Six Mafia. I'm talking Three Six Mafia in 1999, before they won an Oscar, before most people knew who they were. The group that had a song (which I may or may not know all the lyrics to) called "Slob on my Knob". Go to Youtube & play that song right now. It's got a great beat but it's pretty much disgusting. Here I was, a 16 year old, innocent, inexperienced CHILD singing about "Ass & Titties" without a care in the world.

I remember going on a road trip with Katie when I was 16. She was 19 and in college and way more sophisticated than I was. I put on my beloved Three Six Mafia for her and I'm pretty sure she had to pick her jaw up off the car floor when she heard the disgusting crap I was listening to. Who was I? What had I become? Ok...it's not that serious. But I was in over my head. I was a girl from the suburbs listening to men talk about things I had never and would never experience. But I loved the beat, yo!!

Anyway, the point of all of this is that I've toned it down, A LOT. Ass & Titties is on a mix CD somewhere in a box, which I will one day sort through, but it's not a song I would listen to in front of anyone else. But how will I ever quit you, rap music? How will I remove the Jay-Z & Kanye "Watch the Throne" CD that has been on permanent rotation in my car since 2011? Do I have to? I don't want to give it all up but I understand how inappropriate some of it is.

Will there be a new form of media that will out do what I think is shocking in 2013? Will I be 80 years old, listening to "Back That Ass Up?" rapping every lyric in perfect synchronization with Juvenile? But seriously, how funny would that be? Will my grandchildren think I'm a quirky/awesome/hilarious granny or will they laugh at me in a "we feel bad for her, she's sad, crazy and old" kind of way? Did I just reference non-existant grand children?? Holy shit. Where am I?

In closing, I would like to quote one of my favorite lyricists of all time, Jay-Z, just to show you how thought provoking "the rap music" can be:

"The drought will define a man when the well dries up.
You learn the worth of water without work, you thirst til you die, yup."

I mean....genious.

 

 

Bath Salts & Bathroom Time

Why is it that if we're in the bathroom for more than 10 minutes at a time that our husbands will send out a search party for us? What could I POSSIBLY be doing in there, except for the obvious things: actually going to the bathroom, showering/bathing, popping zits, playing with makeup or sleeping on the bathroom floor (ok, mayyyybe I did this in college...after a long day of day drinking). I mean seriously, what do they really think could be going on in there?

Husband, I know you have our child in your sole possession for a 20 minute stretch but come on!! Let me poop in peace!! Sorry to be graphic ladies...and gentlemen (if you're reading) but this boggles my mind! I am a perfect lady when it comes to concealing the fact that I go both #1 & #2. In order to do that, I need some time to take care of business and retain the illusion.

Side note: This is an illusion I have created. After having our daughter & having to describe my bowel movements (or lack thereof) to the nurse on a daily basis, I know that my husband (and any other intelligent human being) knows that everyone does, in fact, poop. But I prefer to keep that air of mystery between us. The idea of ANYONE sitting on a toilet taking a shit makes me want to vomit.

The other day, after dinner, my husband was cleaning up & I told him I was going to take a shower. He said "of course, babe, take your time", which I took literally. I took my SWEET ASS TIME. I washed my face, exfoliated it, plucked my eyebrows, clipped my toe nails, took the week old nail polish off (Katie - I know, if I'm old enough to put it on, I need to be old enough to take it off), used the toilet - at which point my 16 month old & husband seemed to wander down the hallway and just so happened to be outside the bathroom door to ask me if I "was okay?" -- to which I answered -- "I'M FINE!!!!!"....why wouldn't I be fine? Whenever I'm not fine, I scream for my husband to come assist me. If I'm bathing our child & I have no towel for her, I scream like I'm on fire until he comes to see what's going on.  If I need toilet paper, I scream my lungs out for him. If I had fallen & could not get up, wouldn't he have heard a loud thump? I mean, please.

I think this encounter kind of set me off so I continued to lolly-gag around in there. I organized my nail polishes, tried out various Birchbox samples, extracted some blackheads, sat on the floor & played "Candy Crush" on my iPhone (it's a big bathroom - don't judge me - I know poo particles fly around in there), then I actually took a shower. Approximately 45 minutes later, I emerged, so fresh, sooo clean clean. Feeling like a million bucks.

(No Exaggeration - this is almost verbatim.)
Husband: "Are....you okay?"
Me: "I'm fine, why?"
Husband: "You were in there a really long time."
Me: "And...?"
Husband: "I was worried about you."
Me: "What were you worried I was doing? What was the worst case scenario for you?"
Husband: "I don't know. I don't know what you do in there."
Me: "What does anyone do in the bathroom? What does that even mean?"
Husband: "Well, I thought something might have happened to you."
Me: "WHAT! WHAT could have POSSIBLY happened to me? Did you think someone murdered me? Did you think I slipped in the shower? What!"
Husband: "I don't know, you were in there a long time"
Me: "What, did you think I was doing bath salts or something? Doing drugs? That actually makes me mad that you would even think that!"
Husband: "Bath salts? What does that mean?"
Me: "Bath salts, you know, kids eat them or smoke them or something and they get really high. This one guy took so many that he tried to eat someones face off!"
Husband: "I don't know what that is.I was just worried about you, okay? I worry about you because I love you so much. I'm sorry I love you so much!"
Me: "Okay, I can't."
And I walked away.

That was our conversation. That was my husband trying to act like he wasn't coming to find me so he could hand our babygirl off to me so he could go clean his golf clubs or watch ESPN all by himself. He is catching on to my tricks & learning how to flip an argument around so that the other person thinks they're wrong. Tricky, that one.

Well, I'm off to go to the bathroom, my bath salts are calling me.

I'm Kelly. Ms. Kelly if You're Nasty.

Welcome to the world of two, crazy, sarcastic, opinionated, bitchy, funny, snarky, ridiculously good-looking sisters. We have a lot of tips, tricks, product recommendations/reviews & advice to share. What better place than on the *wide-wide-web (see below for explanation).

For the past year, my sister Katie & I have talked about starting a blog to share all kinds of tips & tricks we've learned along the way. The things we call each other immediately to tell the other they HAVE to buy, people products we HATE, crazy stories of things that we think only happen to us or to bitch about someone who wronged us in some form or another.

Since I'm a Mom & I'm short on time & you probably don't care about all the nitty gritty details, here are the bullet points for you.

(Kelly - circa 1988)
I've always had a thing for sparkles, was rocking winged black eyeliner way before Adele & I'm pretty sure I started the whole statement hat thing, sorry Xtina. Don't worry, I still have that hot dance number & I plan on forcing my daughter to wear it one day in the near future.

• Name: Kelly
• Age: THIRTY flirty...and thriving. Kidding. I'm married.
• Marital status: Married: 3.5 years to D
• Kids: 1 daughter, 16 months old
• Location: East Coast
• Hobbies: Watching Bravo, going to Target, anything sparkly, watching make-up tutorials on Youtube & pretending I know how to contour my face like Kim Kardashian, wearing yoga pants like it's my job, spending time with my family. The usual.
• Occupation: I work in the IT field. SNORT. But I swear I know how to function in social settings like a normal person.
• Dislikes: People who take themselves too seriously, bad drivers, people who don't hold the door for others, people who think they are smarter than everyone else because they use big words & correct grammar.

I don't really know what else to say about myself. I think I'm a pretty funny person. I love to laugh, I love making people laugh even more and I really like technology. I've started several blogs over the years but have never really followed through with any of them. 

So hopefully Katie & I can share fun stories, tips on products we love & just general information on our lives. With that said, Katie will now share her bio and it will probably be more detailed, more clever and well-thought out than mine with a picture of something sparkly. Because she loves to one-up me!! Kidding!!
_______________________________________
Explanation of sister terminology used above:
* wide-wide-web: I believe, and Katie correct me if I'm wrong, that someone Katie worked with, who was not extremely knowledgeable about computers or the internets, referred to the WORLD wide web as the "WIDE WIDE WEB". Eight years later, that person has no idea we are still mocking her to this day. I told you we could be snarky.

First 5 People We Followed on Twitter

We created a Twitter account: The Sister Moms Twitter Page

...Follow us! We'll follow you back.

Apparently, when you sign up for Tweeter, you have to select 5 people to follow so you can read their twats. We chose these creeps:

It says so much about us. Except for maybe Lindsay Lohan, we don't know what that says about us. We're just nosey.