Bath Salts & Bathroom Time

Why is it that if we're in the bathroom for more than 10 minutes at a time that our husbands will send out a search party for us? What could I POSSIBLY be doing in there, except for the obvious things: actually going to the bathroom, showering/bathing, popping zits, playing with makeup or sleeping on the bathroom floor (ok, mayyyybe I did this in college...after a long day of day drinking). I mean seriously, what do they really think could be going on in there?

Husband, I know you have our child in your sole possession for a 20 minute stretch but come on!! Let me poop in peace!! Sorry to be graphic ladies...and gentlemen (if you're reading) but this boggles my mind! I am a perfect lady when it comes to concealing the fact that I go both #1 & #2. In order to do that, I need some time to take care of business and retain the illusion.

Side note: This is an illusion I have created. After having our daughter & having to describe my bowel movements (or lack thereof) to the nurse on a daily basis, I know that my husband (and any other intelligent human being) knows that everyone does, in fact, poop. But I prefer to keep that air of mystery between us. The idea of ANYONE sitting on a toilet taking a shit makes me want to vomit.

The other day, after dinner, my husband was cleaning up & I told him I was going to take a shower. He said "of course, babe, take your time", which I took literally. I took my SWEET ASS TIME. I washed my face, exfoliated it, plucked my eyebrows, clipped my toe nails, took the week old nail polish off (Katie - I know, if I'm old enough to put it on, I need to be old enough to take it off), used the toilet - at which point my 16 month old & husband seemed to wander down the hallway and just so happened to be outside the bathroom door to ask me if I "was okay?" -- to which I answered -- "I'M FINE!!!!!"....why wouldn't I be fine? Whenever I'm not fine, I scream for my husband to come assist me. If I'm bathing our child & I have no towel for her, I scream like I'm on fire until he comes to see what's going on.  If I need toilet paper, I scream my lungs out for him. If I had fallen & could not get up, wouldn't he have heard a loud thump? I mean, please.

I think this encounter kind of set me off so I continued to lolly-gag around in there. I organized my nail polishes, tried out various Birchbox samples, extracted some blackheads, sat on the floor & played "Candy Crush" on my iPhone (it's a big bathroom - don't judge me - I know poo particles fly around in there), then I actually took a shower. Approximately 45 minutes later, I emerged, so fresh, sooo clean clean. Feeling like a million bucks.

(No Exaggeration - this is almost verbatim.)
Husband: "Are....you okay?"
Me: "I'm fine, why?"
Husband: "You were in there a really long time."
Me: "And...?"
Husband: "I was worried about you."
Me: "What were you worried I was doing? What was the worst case scenario for you?"
Husband: "I don't know. I don't know what you do in there."
Me: "What does anyone do in the bathroom? What does that even mean?"
Husband: "Well, I thought something might have happened to you."
Me: "WHAT! WHAT could have POSSIBLY happened to me? Did you think someone murdered me? Did you think I slipped in the shower? What!"
Husband: "I don't know, you were in there a long time"
Me: "What, did you think I was doing bath salts or something? Doing drugs? That actually makes me mad that you would even think that!"
Husband: "Bath salts? What does that mean?"
Me: "Bath salts, you know, kids eat them or smoke them or something and they get really high. This one guy took so many that he tried to eat someones face off!"
Husband: "I don't know what that is.I was just worried about you, okay? I worry about you because I love you so much. I'm sorry I love you so much!"
Me: "Okay, I can't."
And I walked away.

That was our conversation. That was my husband trying to act like he wasn't coming to find me so he could hand our babygirl off to me so he could go clean his golf clubs or watch ESPN all by himself. He is catching on to my tricks & learning how to flip an argument around so that the other person thinks they're wrong. Tricky, that one.

Well, I'm off to go to the bathroom, my bath salts are calling me.